Changing and Finding Myself

A few nights ago, I was sitting on the edge of my window. It was 2 a.m., but I couldn't bring myself to go to sleep. It was a bit chilly, but I was more focused on all my negative thoughts and past self-hatred that was resurfacing. I didn't have the energy to push it down again, so I just sat in all these feelings while the chill air brushed past my exposed arms and into my room.

I thought I was finally moving forward, but in actuality I was only procrastinating the inevitable.

I thought that if I journaled more and went on walks and was productive, it would help me get past the overwhelming thoughts. That I would never be good enough - for anyone or myself.

So, every morning I woke up at 4-6 a.m. to do my perfectly curated morning routine made by the current trending influencers who promised it was going to work. I did my workouts, ate a healthy snack, journaled, and did my assignments, yet at the end of the day. I still felt like I did before. That was when I would go on my phone and scroll until I forgot, and the cycle would repeat. 

I realized that everything I was doing didn't work because those were just actions for me. I didn't truly heal; it was just easier to live like that because it distracted me from experiencing my feelings and being uncomfortable. 

I was also journaling nightly but not about the "right things". I needed to be vulnerable, if not to others, then at least to myself. 

I had no problem being honest about the parts of myself I knew were liked, but refused to acknowledge my anxiety and negative thoughts because I couldn't stand being less than perfect. I've always had greater expectations for myself, and while it did pay off in some circumstances, I eventually burned out, and that was when everything fell apart. I realize now that no in perfect and I shouldn't be afraid to not be

That will be all my lovely readers. I hope you enjoyed today's post! I know it was a bit heavier a topic than what I usually do, but I wanted to share some of my personal thoughts with you. Hopefully this was motivating or at least relatable to some. 

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