Changing and Finding Myself

A few nights ago, I was sitting on the edge of my window. It was 2 a.m., but I couldn't bring myself to go to sleep. It was a bit chilly, but I was more focused on all my negative thoughts and past self-hatred that was resurfacing. I didn't have the energy to push it down again, so I just sat in all these feelings while the chill air brushed past my exposed arms and into my room.

I thought I was finally moving forward, but in actuality I was only procrastinating the inevitable.

I thought that if I journaled more and went on walks and was productive, it would help me get past the overwhelming thoughts. That I would never be good enough - for anyone or myself.

So, every morning I woke up at 4-6 a.m. to do my perfectly curated morning routine made by the current trending influencers who promised it was going to work. I did my workouts, ate a healthy snack, journaled, and did my assignments, yet at the end of the day. I still felt like I did before. That was when I would go on my phone and scroll until I forgot, and the cycle would repeat. 

I realized that everything I was doing didn't work because those were just actions for me. I didn't truly heal; it was just easier to live like that because it distracted me from experiencing my feelings and being uncomfortable. 

I was also journaling nightly but not about the "right things". I needed to be vulnerable, if not to others, then at least to myself. 

I had no problem being honest about the parts of myself I knew were liked, but refused to acknowledge my anxiety and negative thoughts because I couldn't stand being less than perfect. I've always had greater expectations for myself, and while it did pay off in some circumstances, I eventually burned out, and that was when everything fell apart. I realize now that no in perfect and I shouldn't be afraid to not be

Go Follow!

 I can't believe I forgot to to tell you guys.... I made a tt account!! I've been posting daily now pls help me grow my account? 

My account -> @dizzijennie🧁🎀

I post all the girly grwm's, diml's, some bits of relatable content and et.. 

That's all the news I have for now but stay tuned for more later! Byee

💋

Making My Identity Mind Map ft.TikTok

Hey Girlies!

I'm back! I know I have been offline for quite some time now only due to writers block, but I am back now and am determined to keep my posts consistent this time.

Anyway, last night I was just doing my nightly TikTok scrolling and came upon this one video. I will put the link below dw. In the video, she talked about expanding your identity, which at first I thought it would be the typical self-love motivational kind of video, but what caught my attention was her talking about you making your Identity Mind Map.

The Video -> @fawnunderthemoon

In the video she listed out steps to dive deeper into exploring ourselves, so I would like to show you, my lovely readers, what I have come up with. 

Step 1. Find Your Aura Color

    I know there are ways that you can actually find what your aura color is and I have tried but I don't think I have the right abilities to, so I will just assign myself one.

I chose these colors because I think I tend to be really mixed with who I am. I think yellow for is optimistic and excited for new things and it clashing with the purple that is serious, calm side that wants to put on a hard exterior, with hints of pink that is the romantic side that craves love and acceptance.

Step 2. Define Your Nature

    This step, from what I understand is try to pick an animal or animals that you think have similar attributes to yourself. 

I think my nature would be like a wild horse, specifically one that's always running, not that they have a place or goal to meet, just because they like the wind against their mane and the freedom they feel that they can go anywhere and explore anything with nothing to hold them back. I dream to one day not have to worry about the expectations put on me and just run free in a place where no one can find me and nothing else. 

Step 3. Define Your Essence

    In this step, you basically try to think of what your soul is made out of. Whether it is something from nature or material things.

I feel my soul has notes of dark bark with dandelion petals. I don't really have an explanation for this one only that it just feels right

Step 4. Choose Your Symbolism

This can be certain numbers or drawings that u feel like u connect with the most or want to start noticing more. 

For me, I picked the time 11:11 because I used to stare at the clocks in my classrooms waiting for 11:11 to hit so I could make a wish. 

(I also never liked stacking my wishes because I felt like it took away the specialness of that first one)

Step 5. Visualize Your Mind

This is prolly my fav step as you make a Pinterest board or collage or wtv to visually see what your mind is like. 

I will put the link to my Pinterest board below so maybe you guys can draw some inspo from it or you guys are just curious. 

I added patterns that I feel drawn towards, certain images that makes me feel at peace or trigger certain good memories. Also some of the things that I think about a lot and my hobbies as well. 

Pinterest Board -> Visualizing My Mind

Step 6. Analyze Yourself

For this step, you have to try to describe yourself, how an author would describe a new character. I think this step would be the hardest part, since you would have to look external to yourself and your own opinions on who u are. 

For me though, I would describe her as a girl with long black hair that desperately needs a trim, but still says she will "do it tomorrow" and never does. Her hair is supposed to be straight, but never wants to cooperate and ends up with weird fly-aways. Her style is very feminine with a bunch of different colors. Although she wishes she had more basics to wear when feeling lazy. 

In her mental world, though, she is always conflicted between the expectations of grades, college apps, her future, and all the responsibilities that should be the only thing she is focused on and the other side of daydreams, imaginations, art, the fun things of collecting memories, the aesthetics of life, and ofc the journey of finding who she really is. 

Her major flaws would be overthinking every little thing. She also very rarely voice her thoughts out loud which acts as self-sabotage as it tends to lead to bigger problems. 

Her major strengths would be that she is always down to have a fun time and how to make anything photo-opp worthy. I guess she is also very sentimental and would rather die and let a good moment be forgotten as she has many places where she keep these happy memories - journal, memory box, scrapbook, social media, and blog, ofc.

All right! I think this will be all for today my girlies! I hope you enjoyed reading even though this was kind of a long post

I would also love to see what your thought are on this and maybe post your link of your Pinterest board in the comments if you made one!

See you guys soon!! 

mwahhh 💋