my windows open, I can hear the birds chirping, roosters are crowing, this is the perfect napping conditions after a long move in day

Just moved and I have THREE windows in my room, golden hour is bouta be PEAK

First week back from Spring Break and ofc all my teachers decide to put all the tests on Friday

I think I have been unknowingly grounded

How I've been feeling lately

(Hi, so based off the title of today's post it's gonna be a little bit serious this time. I hope u don't mind, but I just need somewhere I could write and I want this blog to be my little mind out of my mind, including the not-so-good stuff. )

Today's been a rough day, actually these past few months have been rough. I find myself sleeping later and later. Every morning I wake up there is this wave of disappointment that passes through me. Slowly, but at the same time, way too quickly, it's suffocating. Disappointment that I have another mundane day ahead of me. Disappointment from myself for me feeling this way when I should be grateful, for letting my room rot away, for slowly giving up on my work and myself. Disappointment from my family for the way I think. They do not say it, but I can feel it in the way that they look at me. I used to want to make them proud of me, I still do, but I feel like I'm shriveling up inside. Their expectations aren't unreachable; I am just weak. 

I don't understand why I was even put on this earth when I don't contribute anything to anyone. I feel like a nuisance. Like those loud flies that buzz around your room, yet you still can't catch it because it's too fast and your annoyed that it's spreading germs everywhere. or maybe that's just me. idk. 

My main moods have been tired and depressed with a sprinkle of happiness, which doesn't last very long. Not a day goes by that I'm reminded that I'm useless and I hate it. I hate myself and everything about me. I've been wondering a lot more about what it would be like if I wasn't here. I don't plan on doing it but the thought has whispered by before. I think this is my way of convincing myself that I'm okay and don't need help. As long as it works ig. 

I feel like I'm letting everyone down. I'm never doing enough. I'll neve be enough. I want to reach my potential but did I ever have any potential? Perhaps in another universe I did. 

I'm also embarrassed. I haven't been honest with the people around me and I feel like I'm hiding myself from them, even though they are the people I have considered my closest family. I want to tell them but at the same time, I'm embarrassed that they would think of me as helpless and weak. or annoying. Especially since they are still young and have already achieved so much more than me when I was their age. 

I'm so tired of everything. Why does death have to be the only way out of this? I just want to poof into glitter and float through this world as nothing but an atom. 

looking for friends who would want to make a 2016 themed vevo mv with me

 The song I'm thinking about is Katy Perry E.T.

I need someone to love me like the song "The First Time" by Damiano David

I just got this lip gloss from NYX and I am in loveeee

 

Just discovered Damiano David so yes I will be listening to him for next two weeks

hot take

It's spring break rn for me but I'm lowkey kinda missing school... and I mean like actual school and school work and seeing my friends. Idk I feel like I always get this way during long breaks. I miss the fixed schedules and always having assignments to do cuz that takes my mind off of all the other stuff I prolly should be doing (such as SAT prep). ugh just thinking about college gets me on the verge of another mental breakdown 😖

anyway i miss my friends

First Post!

Because this is my first post, I wanted to introduce myself, so here are some things about who I am to get to know me a teensy bit better!

To start off, I am a very stressed junior in high school. You may be wondering, "Jennie, if u are a stressed hs student, then why start a blog?". Well, the answer is quite simple. I'm stressed. Like S-T-R-E-S-S-E-D. So I thought that a blog will be the perfect way to help me relax a bit and get some of that energy out. I also have been thinking about a blog for a while now so there's that too. 

Some of my hobbies are reading and journaling and ig blogging now (well that depends on how long i can keep this up). Oh and I also love taking those fun little online quizzes. My fav website is uQuiz. They have some really fun quizzes on there. I have never tried making one though. Should I?

I also love listening to music, although I hate getting asked what I like to listen to cuz I think I'm pretty basic with my music taste. Its just easier to find stuff that are popular than scour the internet for niche little songs. Not shaming anyone who does do that cuz I'm always open to finding new artists so plz don't come for me. 

I think that's it for now! I don't know what else to talk about 😓 im kinda new to this thing but I hope u enjoyed reading this tremendously much have a lovely fantastic day mwahhh😘