How I've been feeling lately

(Hi, so based off the title of today's post it's gonna be a little bit serious this time. I hope u don't mind, but I just need somewhere I could write and I want this blog to be my little mind out of my mind, including the not-so-good stuff. )

Today's been a rough day, actually these past few months have been rough. I find myself sleeping later and later. Every morning I wake up there is this wave of disappointment that passes through me. Slowly, but at the same time, way too quickly, it's suffocating. Disappointment that I have another mundane day ahead of me. Disappointment from myself for me feeling this way when I should be grateful, for letting my room rot away, for slowly giving up on my work and myself. Disappointment from my family for the way I think. They do not say it, but I can feel it in the way that they look at me. I used to want to make them proud of me, I still do, but I feel like I'm shriveling up inside. Their expectations aren't unreachable; I am just weak. 

I don't understand why I was even put on this earth when I don't contribute anything to anyone. I feel like a nuisance. Like those loud flies that buzz around your room, yet you still can't catch it because it's too fast and your annoyed that it's spreading germs everywhere. or maybe that's just me. idk. 

My main moods have been tired and depressed with a sprinkle of happiness, which doesn't last very long. Not a day goes by that I'm reminded that I'm useless and I hate it. I hate myself and everything about me. I've been wondering a lot more about what it would be like if I wasn't here. I don't plan on doing it but the thought has whispered by before. I think this is my way of convincing myself that I'm okay and don't need help. As long as it works ig. 

I feel like I'm letting everyone down. I'm never doing enough. I'll neve be enough. I want to reach my potential but did I ever have any potential? Perhaps in another universe I did. 

I'm also embarrassed. I haven't been honest with the people around me and I feel like I'm hiding myself from them, even though they are the people I have considered my closest family. I want to tell them but at the same time, I'm embarrassed that they would think of me as helpless and weak. or annoying. Especially since they are still young and have already achieved so much more than me when I was their age. 

I'm so tired of everything. Why does death have to be the only way out of this? I just want to poof into glitter and float through this world as nothing but an atom.